Move on

AUGUST 31st, 2012
1202 HOURS

Hello lovely bloggers and readers. As it is today, on August 31st, it's the Independence Day for all fellow Malaysians. Happy 55th Independence Day to all :) 

Today's entry isn't gonna be about Independence Day in Malaysia but it's kinda the independence day for me to start to move on and never to look back on stuffs that had happened on the previous years. I admit it to myself that this month, this year of 2012 is a tough year indeed for me. On previous posts, I kept posting about Gabier this and that. But frankly, I need to move on despite the feelings that I had were no longer true. I care. Yes I do. But because of those circumstances and problems, I can't bare it any longer. I doubt to myself and I doubt in this stuffs. Before I could get hurt any further and deeply emotional, I should just back off and move on. Yeah that's what I do now. From now on, I am moving on. Moving on from him. From Gabier. Why didn't I realized about it in the first place that I was just an option and just for entertainment and for fun ? I should've just walk away and leave him there. But because of sympathy and care, I stayed. How I hate my habit of being so caring in a sense. How I wish I could delete and remove that kind of habit permanently. 


I need to get it all over now. Tomorrow's the new day. New month. New life for me. No more playing. No more fooling around. All I have to do now is focus on my studies and have fun on the same time. I'm not gonna create any drama with emotional stuffs like what I'm dealing with right now. It's all about feelings and love and whatever it is. 

All I can say now is that I'm moving on and that's it. The previous posts about Gabier, I won't gonna delete 'em 'cause it'll be a lesson taught for me and even guidance for me in the future. Once I had cared too much, I hurt too much. Farewell to the oh so drama world and for my September's wish, all I want is good grades, gonna focus on my studies and live happy yet jolly life. 


officially by stemmy stemot :)

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Meeting for the first time after knowing for 4 years

AUGUST 29th, 2012
1223 HOURS

Hey readers and fellow bloggers :) It's raining here currently at Bintulu. Yeah. Cold and awesome. I woke up early in the morning just because Gabier was goin' to come to Bintulu. Well actually I can't sleep at all last night. I tried my best yeah fuckin' best to sleep and shut my eyes and counting all those sheep. Damn I can't sleep at all like fuck. I didn't even realized at what time did I really slept and when I got up it was like around 5 something. I tossed and turned on my bed like a maniac girl. Thinkin' what might happened next. And so I just woke up and sat at the edge of my bed. I looked at my closet and took out the tee's and jeans and lingerie to be used. After managing all those stuffs, I went down and went to have my bath. Back from having bath, I quickly looked for my cell and saw there's one text from Gabier.


I was like Ahh. I hurried on and grabbed on the keys and drove to the terminal. It took like less than 10 mins 'cause I used the long way. If I did used the shortcut, I should have reached there less than 5 mins. Damn. Upon my arrival there, I sent him a text saying where was he. I just remained in the car and waited for him. In less than 2 mins, he replied my text and he wrote, 

"  Where did you park then ? Come find me and hug me now. Hahaha "

I was like laughing my lungs out. HAHAHAHAHA. He's effing funny. Before I could replied his text back, there I saw this one guy with orange tee's and he smiled at me. My heart uttered, 

" That's him for goodness sake. " 

I smiled back and he came towards the car. As he entered in, he smiled and laughed seeing how big the car that I drove. Hey it's just a Hilux though. Hahaha. Lame. He placed his bag at the back of the seat and I drove on.  He teased me and even tickled me along the journey. I was like  " Will you just stop it ? It tickles a lot. "  Even though I said it that way, he kept on tickling me. Damn. Only God knows how excited I was to finally meet him. I don't know whether he did felt the same. Okay. Back to the story here, we were about to go to the food court to have our breakfast together. After we had finished with that, we went for a bit shopping for he accidentally forget to bring his boxer and even his toothbrush.  And so, we did a bit of shopping stuffs. Finished with all the shopping, he decided to go to the lodge to rest. Back to the lodge, well it's a lodge. Expecting there would be lift but somehow just stairs. We climbed up to the 3rd floor. Oh goodness. Luckily, didn't get tired and so. Even opening the door also, there's that funny incident. Hahahaha. Places nowadays used all modern stuffs like just scan the card if you want to enter the room. The problem was that he thought we have to slide the card in. Hahaha. Instead of just scanning the card, he slide it in. We laughed to that moment upon entering the room. 


We reminisced the moment when we  first knew each other. For 4 years we had known each other and today, August 29th, 2012, we had finally met face to face. He kept on asking for a hug and a hug and several time. 


Finally, because he was too demanding and kept on blabbering, I gave him my hug and  he kissed my cheek. Awwww. That moment when he was about to kiss me again, I quickly closed my face.

Double facepalm. HAHAHAHAHA.

But whatever it was, I had spent for 4 hours just now with him. Only memories. Only words. Only that remained right now. Hard to admit actually 'cause I was nervous to meet him at first and being with him like the first time. From being friends on social network to meeting him in real life. Total difference there. How I miss his hugs and the way he cuddled :'( 

I am somehow still confused on what actually the relationship is between us two. The moment when he said, 

" Before this, you said you don't want. "

And when I asked him back, 

" Don't want what ? Hah ? Whaattttttttt ? " 

He just shook his head and said nothing. Mmmm. Seriously. I didn't said I don't want to. You're the one who said that you wanted to wait for the moment to meet me. Finally meet me face to face and get to know me real well. That's what you said. Don't you remembered all of that ? I was actually trying to tell him exactly that but I just acted as if I was okay and don't know on stuffs like that. Frankly speaking, I just don't know what to feel.

For goodness sake, he is someone's boyfriend. And who am I to him ? Just an option ? Just for fun ? Just for  stuffs like his scandal when he's boring ? At some point, I feel like I am nothing to him. Still, I entertain him and reply to his text whenever he text me. Why do I have this feeling of sympathy ? Seriously, I am sad. Sad to the fact that I am actually playing with my feelings and letting myself being fooled by him. Wake up, stemmie. Please wake up. He is someone else's boyfriend and you're just nothing. I feel like crying my eyes out now. If I could pull out my eye ball, I would just do that now. Effing sad okay ? Sad. Fuck. 

Never did I ever felt the same feeling I felt for him 2 years ago. The love banished and gone after I knew he was in a relationship with this girl on June. Even I had cried my heart out when I get to think of it. It hurts. By crying, somehow it makes me calm. I just wanna cry now. It hurts. Deeply. Real deep. I wonder. Yeah. I wonder if he did felt the same as I did for the past 2 years. Crazy as fuck it is. I keep telling myself that I have to move on. Move on and stop thinking about love.  One day, surely the love would come and when it does, no matter what happen, he/she will remain by your side till death tear us apart. I always talk to God whenever I feel sad and yeah I talk to Him 'cause He's the only one that will listen to every stuffs that I said. 

My guardian angel, you're the only friend that I have that understands me no matter what happen. Even, you are there for me wherever I go. I love you, my guardian angel. I love you, my God. 

Willy Macgyver, you take care of yourself yea :'/ 

I wanna cry myself to sleep now. God bless you my lovely readers. 

officially by stemmy stemot :)

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The Past Hurts

AUGUST 28th, 2012
1022 HOURS

Blessed morning fellow readers and bloggers :) Today I feel quite energized and I don't even know why. Haha. I woke up early for the first time in this month. Don't even had a clue why I did. Sounds quite stupid in a sense. Yeah yeah yeah. Well last night, Gabier suddenly called me while I was still tweet-ing. To my amazement, I never expected he would called. It seems like after I had wrote about him yesterday in this blog, that is the previous post before this post. Hard to believe. Yeah. I can't believe it at first but then to my ego-ness, I did not answered his call. So yeah I'm arrogant on this. I waited and waited for the call to end and just neglected my cell away. About half an hour after that, I decided to sent him a text. Err well even there's the ego in me, I still have that good intention though. Hahahaha. Lame. Back to that occasion again, I sent him a text saying, 

" Hey. Why did ya called just now ? "

Sounds like too harsh and it seems like I was quite busy like hell on the time he called me. Hahaha. Imma mean girl in this. Damn. Then he replied it.

" Just wanna inform you that I'll be goin' there maybe on the night of 28th or 29th, my dear."

I was like urghhhhh okay. Then we text and text up until 11. He even said he can't wait to finally meet me and spent time with me. Sounds like as if we are couple and so on. Blablablablabla. I just followed on with the flow then. I'm just too good in faking stuffs. Shit to that. The fuck. Fuckk. Well yeah I even promised him that I'll be picking him up at the bus terminal. Double fuck ! Ahhhhhhhh. Sighhhhhh. 

I need to chill about this. All I know now is that I just don't love him the way I used to love him before. Even if I have to fake and pretend to be that one girl that he used to know.


I just don't know how will I react when we meet later on. This is bullshit but for the sake of being his so-called friend, I am willing then. A friend. Yeah. Fuck to that word. 

officially by stemmy stemot :)

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A New Head Start

AUGUST 27th, 2012
1516 HOURS

Hey readers and fellow bloggers. It's been awhile since I had last update on this blog of mine. It's gettin' rusty and so. Well, I've been busy with stuffs and stuffs and can't even manage on blogs somehow. But to be frank, I just don't know on what post I wanna post here somehow. At some part, I feel like deleting this blog and never to blog again. But then, when I thought about it all over again, I felt like why should I delete it ? Instead of deleting, why not I just continue on blogging and just do so to spent my time writing on posts and making lots of stories and headlines about stuffs in my life and share about it to people. Well, people do say that by blogging, it seems like you're writing every detail of your life as in writing in a diary. It's just that, here, we just type and type on our laptop or anything that's hi-tech and so on. 


I wonder how does it feel to love again. Somehow at some point, at some part in my life, I just don't feel the love. This boyfriend and girlfriend thingy means nothing to me. I wonder why and I wonder how could I feel such a thing. I had rejected lots of guys since I had been single this 2 years. Well apparently, I am ' single ' though for that 2 years. Hahaha. Sounds a bit weird don't ya think ? I just don't feel the same. Being that one person who loves the other person so deeply as if you don't wanna let go of that person. 

Since the day I broke up with Elekson, things changed a lot. I changed. A lot of things changed. I just don't feel the love anymore. In a sense, what I'm trying to say is that I just don't feel me. If I am about to say that I had made quite a decision to break up with him before, I bet I won't gonna regret saying that. 'Cause after I called it off between us two, seriously that's the first time I feel so relieved. After that 2 years plus of relationship, I never felt so alive. Yeah. Alive. 

Up until now, even though there's trials and problems, I still somehow managed to deal with all of it. And yeah thanks to God, Elekson and I are still friends. We still contact with each other and move on with our life. The feelings ? Mmmmmm yeah you got the message just now right ? We're just friends. 

Last year, I had been falling hard with this one guy. Well, like seriously, I am. Just because we keep in touch a lot and with the callings, the text messages and exchanging photos, yeah we're kinda close. At first, he was the first one who confessed everything about what he feel towards me. I was shocked at the beginning but in the end, we tend to just remain as close friends like bein' intimate in a sense. Day by day, month by month we've been in that kind of situation. You know right how does it feel to be treated so special by a person who loves you too dearly but you're unsure that he/she might just wanna take advantage on you ? Did you ever encounter that ? In this situation, I was on head over heels. He even said that he can't wait to meet me face to face and spent time together and do stuffs together. 

We never did meet in real life and I know right how you guys would react after I said so. It was like I'm building a relationship on a rainbow where there's sunshine and bouncy clouds and love.

And yes, he even said he wanted to propose me to be his fiancee'. I bet my heart is beating up fast right now. I feel like crying. Months by months, we've been contacting and texting. 'Cause that's the only way we can keep in touch. Still. On his birthday, I still remembered I gave him a call 'cause he wanted me to sing for him the birthday song. Yes. I did called him and I sang to him the birthday song. Both of us laughed out hard because of our foolishness. Sighhhhhh. But things changed when it comes to the month of 2012. Yeah 2012. I had finally stick to what he had said and held onto those promises that he had made to me. Unfortunately, I got to know that he's in a relationship with this one girl that obviously I don't know for sure by accidentally while I was stalking on his profile. 

Frustration ? Mad ? Confuse ? Hurt ? Sad ? 

I myself can't even described how I really feel that time. No wonder before the end of May, we never even talked or text or call at all. It was definitely not good for me. 'Cause by that time, it was on July. They started their relationship on June. Well yeah I was a month late in knowing the news. Re-read on all the texts that I had sent to him between those months, really did made me felt so down at that moment. All those feelings just mixed in and blend it all with those tears that I had cried every single night when I get to think of it. It hurts. Even after a year I had been struggling to make sure and I was sure enough that I had met my man. Fuck to that fact. Since then, I never contact him anymore. Neither text nor call. I quit doing that 'cause I know I am no longer the one that he'll be calling his fiancee'. 

This month. Month of August. In the middle of August, he text me. Unexpectedly. Shocked and confused as I am on that moment. With no sense of hatred, I replied it with gracefully. Text by text comin'. As a conclusion to that text, he was telling me that he wanted to come over to my hometown and meet me if I have the chance to go out. And I was like " Is this guy fuckin' or what ? " I was trying to convince myself that he is just trying to seek for attention. For sure, if a guy who is in a relationship starts to look for other girls, definitely there's a huge fight happening between those couple. And so, I just follow with the flow. In between those text, I keep reminding him about his girlfriend. The moment I started the topic of his girl, he started to fuss about it. He said, " I don't care about her. She cheats on me. If she can cheat and so can I. " Damn you, man. 

If you know that she cheats on you, then why on earth you are still with her, jackass ?! 

Just because I was a good girl that time and don't want to create a war, I just answered him, " Even though she cheats on you, still you love her right ? " I hit him hard this time. Then he just replied by typing, " Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "

I knew how he had reacted upon reading those text that I had sent to him. Seriously, I just gave up on what that had happened between the two of us. I just can't bare on with the stuffs that had happened. All those stuffs, the heartbreaks, I felt so urgh. If I could just delete all of my feeling and move on. 

Click the photo above to enlarge it.

That's what I had posted on my facebook after what had happened between us. I just didn't stated his name. I knew he would eventually knew about it. He knew I always posted on stuffs, about my feelings in that social network. In a sense, I love writing in words to describe how I exactly feel. Bad habit. 

To be exact, the day after tomorrow, that is on Aug 29th, he'll be coming here. Yeah. Here. For 3 days. Then, he'll be off to Kuching again. 

It's not like I am actually counting on the days that he'll be arriving here and so on. Mmmm apparently I just did. Sighhhh. For whatever happen, I pray for your happiness with whoever your future wife is. I bet you'll find that truly someone one day and get to know her well. 

Yours truly, Stemarlia B. ツ

P/S Take care wherever you are, Willy Macgyver.

officiallly by stemmy stemot :)

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