AUGUST 27th, 2012
1516 HOURS
Hey readers and fellow bloggers. It's been awhile since I had last update on this blog of mine. It's gettin' rusty and so. Well, I've been busy with stuffs and stuffs and can't even manage on blogs somehow. But to be frank, I just don't know on what post I wanna post here somehow. At some part, I feel like deleting this blog and never to blog again. But then, when I thought about it all over again, I felt like why should I delete it ? Instead of deleting, why not I just continue on blogging and just do so to spent my time writing on posts and making lots of stories and headlines about stuffs in my life and share about it to people. Well, people do say that by blogging, it seems like you're writing every detail of your life as in writing in a diary. It's just that, here, we just type and type on our laptop or anything that's hi-tech and so on.
Sighhhh.
I wonder how does it feel to love again. Somehow at some point, at some part in my life, I just don't feel the love. This boyfriend and girlfriend thingy means nothing to me. I wonder why and I wonder how could I feel such a thing. I had rejected lots of guys since I had been single this 2 years. Well apparently, I am ' single ' though for that 2 years. Hahaha. Sounds a bit weird don't ya think ? I just don't feel the same. Being that one person who loves the other person so deeply as if you don't wanna let go of that person.
Since the day I broke up with Elekson, things changed a lot. I changed. A lot of things changed. I just don't feel the love anymore. In a sense, what I'm trying to say is that I just don't feel me. If I am about to say that I had made quite a decision to break up with him before, I bet I won't gonna regret saying that. 'Cause after I called it off between us two, seriously that's the first time I feel so relieved. After that 2 years plus of relationship, I never felt so alive. Yeah. Alive.
Up until now, even though there's trials and problems, I still somehow managed to deal with all of it. And yeah thanks to God, Elekson and I are still friends. We still contact with each other and move on with our life. The feelings ? Mmmmmm yeah you got the message just now right ? We're just friends.
Last year, I had been falling hard with this one guy. Well, like seriously, I am. Just because we keep in touch a lot and with the callings, the text messages and exchanging photos, yeah we're kinda close. At first, he was the first one who confessed everything about what he feel towards me. I was shocked at the beginning but in the end, we tend to just remain as close friends like bein' intimate in a sense. Day by day, month by month we've been in that kind of situation. You know right how does it feel to be treated so special by a person who loves you too dearly but you're unsure that he/she might just wanna take advantage on you ? Did you ever encounter that ? In this situation, I was on head over heels. He even said that he can't wait to meet me face to face and spent time together and do stuffs together.
We never did meet in real life and I know right how you guys would react after I said so. It was like I'm building a relationship on a rainbow where there's sunshine and bouncy clouds and love.
And yes, he even said he wanted to propose me to be his fiancee'. I bet my heart is beating up fast right now. I feel like crying. Months by months, we've been contacting and texting. 'Cause that's the only way we can keep in touch. Still. On his birthday, I still remembered I gave him a call 'cause he wanted me to sing for him the birthday song. Yes. I did called him and I sang to him the birthday song. Both of us laughed out hard because of our foolishness. Sighhhhhh. But things changed when it comes to the month of 2012. Yeah 2012. I had finally stick to what he had said and held onto those promises that he had made to me. Unfortunately, I got to know that he's in a relationship with this one girl that obviously I don't know for sure by accidentally while I was stalking on his profile.
Frustration ? Mad ? Confuse ? Hurt ? Sad ?
I myself can't even described how I really feel that time. No wonder before the end of May, we never even talked or text or call at all. It was definitely not good for me. 'Cause by that time, it was on July. They started their relationship on June. Well yeah I was a month late in knowing the news. Re-read on all the texts that I had sent to him between those months, really did made me felt so down at that moment. All those feelings just mixed in and blend it all with those tears that I had cried every single night when I get to think of it. It hurts. Even after a year I had been struggling to make sure and I was sure enough that I had met my man. Fuck to that fact. Since then, I never contact him anymore. Neither text nor call. I quit doing that 'cause I know I am no longer the one that he'll be calling his fiancee'.
This month. Month of August. In the middle of August, he text me. Unexpectedly. Shocked and confused as I am on that moment. With no sense of hatred, I replied it with gracefully. Text by text comin'. As a conclusion to that text, he was telling me that he wanted to come over to my hometown and meet me if I have the chance to go out. And I was like " Is this guy fuckin' or what ? " I was trying to convince myself that he is just trying to seek for attention. For sure, if a guy who is in a relationship starts to look for other girls, definitely there's a huge fight happening between those couple. And so, I just follow with the flow. In between those text, I keep reminding him about his girlfriend. The moment I started the topic of his girl, he started to fuss about it. He said, " I don't care about her. She cheats on me. If she can cheat and so can I. " Damn you, man.
If you know that she cheats on you, then why on earth you are still with her, jackass ?!
Just because I was a good girl that time and don't want to create a war, I just answered him, " Even though she cheats on you, still you love her right ? " I hit him hard this time. Then he just replied by typing, " Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "
I knew how he had reacted upon reading those text that I had sent to him. Seriously, I just gave up on what that had happened between the two of us. I just can't bare on with the stuffs that had happened. All those stuffs, the heartbreaks, I felt so urgh. If I could just delete all of my feeling and move on.
Click the photo above to enlarge it.
That's what I had posted on my facebook after what had happened between us. I just didn't stated his name. I knew he would eventually knew about it. He knew I always posted on stuffs, about my feelings in that social network. In a sense, I love writing in words to describe how I exactly feel. Bad habit.
To be exact, the day after tomorrow, that is on Aug 29th, he'll be coming here. Yeah. Here. For 3 days. Then, he'll be off to Kuching again.
It's not like I am actually counting on the days that he'll be arriving here and so on. Mmmm apparently I just did. Sighhhh. For whatever happen, I pray for your happiness with whoever your future wife is. I bet you'll find that truly someone one day and get to know her well.
Yours truly, Stemarlia B. ツ
P/S Take care wherever you are, Willy Macgyver.
officiallly by stemmy stemot :)
thanks for reading :)
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